Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
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Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
How about daylight saves us for once
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Very problematic
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie