@donni: Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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@Mr_Kapowski: Coworker: I couldn't sleep. Just thinking all night Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day
@TamiDaBushPilot: him: *rolls over and puts his hand under the pillow* what's this? me: what, my snuggle knife?
@TheToddWilliams: [Hall of Justice] Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser's floating fortress? Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
@jonnysun: ME: woud u be open to adoption? HUSBAND: yes [later, at the adoption agency] ME: yes hi, i'd like to put my husband up for adoption