Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
The two types of wives
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.