Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.