most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on