Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.