Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
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when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good