Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
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I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
The days of good grammer has went