Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
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Confused owl: What?!
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.