@carlyken: Most guys propose with a diamond but if you're really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
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@usermcuserface: A Canadian has a bad day: (Traps a goose, and casts a spell) Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..
@foxnerdrn: Why is it that when your dog brings you things he's killed it's cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?
@ExcuseMyTweets: The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I'm wondering how much money I spent last night.