Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
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Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?