Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
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#titanic
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
The options really are this bad
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break