@CarpentersCrack: Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing.... A woman.
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@CodyJP9412: [Petco] INTERVIEWER: We're looking for a real cat person. ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk* INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@sweetandweak: Daughter just told me, "Dad, I don't make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches." One day her picture will be on money.
@BradBroaddus: Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.