Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.