Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
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I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Meow
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not