Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
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“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.