[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
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“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”