I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
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If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
why no one uses midhusbands
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
The big book of baby names but for safe words