それは草
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˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?