8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot