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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Do one person every day that scares you.