Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
The Birdles
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
it’s finally my moment to shine
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.