@JasonLastname: Most monkeys don't like bananas, they're just being sexy.
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@shutupmikeginn: Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
@sacha_is_good: "I don't want a lot for Christmas." Later... "All I want for Christmas is you." EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
@gerryhallcomedy: "I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over" - guy who invented the accordion
@KissabiX: I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma. They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life