Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?