Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.