Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
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Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don鈥檛 even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here鈥檚 a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn鈥檛 shown up in two weeks.
I鈥檓 not worried tho. I鈥檓 sure he鈥檒l resurface one day.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I鈥檝e been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I鈥檓 over here hoping yours are savory.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I鈥檓 such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.