Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.