@Douchekevin: Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.
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@Sickayduh: "Nice place!" Mmmehh "Hungry?" Mmmehh "You look nice." Mmmehh "DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?" Mmmehh "Mom told me not to date a goat."
@therepoguy: My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
@stormy_hero: [at wedding] "I now pronounce you husband and wife." Couple kisses *yelling from the back row "AWKWAAAARD"