When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.