@Donnie_Fairburn: Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That's what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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@liliths_lair: The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
@Xalqee: You know you're an Alcoholic when you can't even say the word "sober" without making air quotes
@kyry5: [1st date] *hiding that I'm actually a Zamboni* Date: Now that we've broken the ice- Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
@Tmoney68: [Getting ready to go out] Her: Is that what you’re wearing? Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.