Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*frowns in Scottish*
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster