Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
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“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing