Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Breaking news:
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Said the murderer.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.