Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start