Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
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Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.