Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
You Might Also Like
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
another case of gang violins
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)