Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
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Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Had to try this trend 😊
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.