Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
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I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
kevin is now a local weatherman
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year