[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
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[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?