Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
You Might Also Like
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.