If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
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*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*