Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
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Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
plant them where lol
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags