@Try2StopME: Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
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@Thepinkparka: Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting. Until you realize you live alone.
@tastefactory: ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary *Bloody Mary appears* ME: I'm moving today and need your help BLOODY MARY: Shit
@SaltyCorpse: Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, "My God... What was I on and do I have any left?"?
@iamspacegirl: My son loves lizard facts but he can't quite say 'lizard' so he randomly makes statements like "Wizards protect themselves with camouflage".