Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
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I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex