Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
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Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
How to find Kentucky on a map
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.