Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
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I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.