Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I bet
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…