@wittwitbarista: Most things in life aren't free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
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@thepaulahunt: *in public restroom* Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don't take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on. Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
@TheCatWhisprer: Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork.
@JasonLastname: If Edgar Allen Poe didn't have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: Project's way behind. Suggestions? I'm willing to try anything. Me: *raises hand* Him: Anything but "helper monkeys" Me: *lowers hand*