MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
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I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Many hands make light work
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
23. the denim jacket
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]