Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
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Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Made something I’m not proud of
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.