Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
this is me
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.