Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
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Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.