Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
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I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.