@kwirkyKerri: Most women have a love hate relationship with their scale, but I'm convinced mine goes out of her way to piss me off.
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@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight? Me: Absolutely not D: Why? M: Because I said so D: Because you ate them? M: Yes
@Glorificus917: When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.
@Carbosly: There's this guy at work who's giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow. His name was Tom.