[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
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Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
😬
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
tinder is all about the long game
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
3% human
97% stress
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
that wasn’t the question
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?