dads on road-trips be like
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
the three branches of government
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!